By Robert Scucci
| Published 20 seconds ago
The worst thing you could learn as a child is that Santa Claus isn’t real, and it is the kind of revelation that makes you never want to trust your parents, who are also the Tooth Fairy, again. The only thing worse is running into Billy Bob Thornton’s Willie T. Soke, a violently drunk mall Santa who also happens to be a con man and expert safe cracker whenever he is not caught in the middle of a bender that dulls his faculties in 2003’s Bad Santa. Having not watched the film since I was 15 years old, when my juvenile sense of humor often got the best of me, I am pleased to say that I have not grown up one bit because Bad Santa holds up better than I ever imagined.
Or there is the less likely scenario that my sense of humor at 15 was more sophisticated than I thought, and watching the film as an adult works because it has absolutely earned its R-rating and I’m now part of its intended audience. The truth is probably somewhere in between. Bad Santa is the kind of movie your parents do not want you to watch but know you will watch anyway. Meanwhile, you can hear them in the other room cracking up, not knowing that you already copped a viewing when they weren’t home.
Billy Bob Thornton’s Finest Hour
I know full well that Billy Bob Thornton is an award-winning A-lister known for his thoughtful, dramatic performances, but when tasked with being the most vulgar version of himself for a raunchy, out-of-pocket holiday movie, he goes all in as Willie T. Soke, a walking disaster posing as a happy-go-lucky mall santa who only takes the job to crack the mall’s vault at the end of the season and disappear with the loot.
Working alongside his long-term accomplice, Marcus Skidmore (Tony Cox), Willie vows to retire and go legit. Marcus knows Willie cannot manage himself between seasons and is prone to violent benders, so he counts on him returning for yet another job the following year, which is exactly what happens.
Worse for wear after a string of drunken incidents in Florida, Willie and Marcus regroup in Phoenix for another long-con. They are introduced to Bob Chipeska (John Ritter), a by-the-books mall manager who wants a clean holiday season, and immediately get off on the wrong foot after Willie makes himself a little too comfortable in the department store dressing room with a number of female suitors. The mall’s security head, Gin Slagel (Bernie Mac), is surprisingly chill about Willie’s behavior, but he keeps tabs on him in the background throughout the film.
Enter Thurman Merman
Cynically cycling through the holidays, Willie eventually meets Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly), a socially awkward, overweight boy who is frequently targeted by bullies. Upon learning Thurman’s parents are absent, and that he lives alone in a mansion with his senile grandmother, Willie takes it upon himself to move in. Thurman is as wholesome as any naive preteen who still believes in Santa, and he becomes the perfect foil to Willie, who we are not even sure has a heart at this point.
As their friendship, if you want to call it that, develops, Willie inadvertently becomes the kid’s mentor and teaches him valuable lessons about defending himself and recognizing his self worth. Thurman returns the favor by constantly offering to make him sandwiches because he thinks that’s what a good host does.
Between pants-peeing incidents and drunken outbursts at the mall, Willie strikes up a romantic relationship with Sue (Lauren Graham), a woman whose Santa fetish blinds her from just how awful he is. Sue and Willie start out bumping uglies to satisfy their most basic urges, but they eventually function as de facto parents to Thurman, who has nobody to celebrate the holidays with. Meanwhile, things escalate at the mall, and Gin’s behind-the-scenes digging puts him squarely in the middle of Willie and Marcus’ heist, and he wants in on the action.
Vulgar With A Heart Of Gold
As atrocious as Willie’s behavior is in Bad Santa, he is not completely heartless. He has a hero’s arc for sure, but it is not neat or wholesome. It is beyond messy. He’s set on giving up his thieving lifestyle but continues to spiral, and you can tell he wants to go legit but is powerless to do so in his current state. Thurman, naive as he is, is surprisingly pointed in his criticisms when he decides to speak up, and his unwavering kindness becomes the push that helps Willie turn over a new leaf, even if he does not realize it yet.
For a movie that features Santa Clause yelling at mall security about his f*** stick, Bad Santa is surprisingly wholesome when you ignore the vulgarity and look at the bare bones of the story. I am not saying this as a condemnation of vulgarity, but a celebration of it. It is a tough line to walk, but Bad Santa does it so effortlessly that it almost feels like a family Christmas movie. Just don’t show it to your kids until they are older because if they repeat any of the dialogue at school, you are definitely going to get a call from the principal.
Bad Santa is streaming on Max. Its sequel, Bad Santa 2 is also on the platform, but aside from Billy Bob Thornton’s scenes, it’s a much weaker film. You won’t miss out on much by skipping it if you’re expecting the sequel to deliver on the same level.
