By Robert Scucci
| Published 38 seconds ago
The Matrix has rightfully earned its keep as the cautionary tale of our generation, popularizing simulation theory in ways that still hold water today. Created by the Wachowskis, who also gave us V for Vendetta and several successful Matrix sequels, their instincts for social commentary framed through the lens of modern dystopia are unmatched. This makes me wonder what exactly went wrong when they cranked out the 2015 space opera, Jupiter Ascending.
The film drags on for about 45 minutes too long, and it doesn’t say much about society that we didn’t already know. Yes, intergalactic imperialism and consumerism are bad, but you’d think our protagonists would at least act excited about the adventure of a lifetime, especially considering the reported $210 million budget.
As somebody who enjoys scraping the bottom of the Rotten Tomatoes barrel, I expected to find some joy or redeeming qualities in Jupiter Ascending. Instead, I was baffled at how critics justified its generous 27 percent rating.
Nobody Wants To Be There
For a space opera to work, your heroes need to actually want to be there. Mila Kunis’ Jupiter Jones (yes, that’s really her name) gets whisked across the galaxy to learn about trade routes, bureaucracy, and politics. She teams up with Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), a soldier/dog hybrid, and ends up stuck in a trade war between the Abrasax siblings. Oh, and she can control bees with her pheromones because she’s apparently space royalty according to Han Solo surrogate, Stinger Apini (Sean Bean).
Despite the setup, Jupiter Ascending never allows its heroine to become the fearless lead the story needs. Kunis’ one-liners fall flat, and her delivery lacks expression even as humanity’s fate hangs in the balance. It’s strange, considering how expressive she can be as a voice actor. Meg Griffin might not be a fan favorite Family Guy character, but she comes alive thanks to Kunis’ line delivery. None of that energy makes it to the screen here.
Stellar Setpieces And Special Effects, But Who Cares?
The one thing Jupiter Ascending does have going for it is set design and special effects. Green screen aside, the visuals look impressive. But with two leads completely devoid of charisma, even the flashiest sequences overstay their welcome.
I kept thinking about the car scenes in Seinfeld. They’re clearly fake, yet still entertaining because the characters always had something funny or animated to say. If even half that energy had been applied to Kunis or Tatum’s performances, the movie might’ve worked. But it wasn’t, so it didn’t.
You Can Probably Skip This One
Halfway through a digital copy a friend shared (legally, relax), I paid four bucks to rent Jupiter Ascending so I could speed it up with a browser extension. That has never happened to me before. Space operas should leave your jaw on the floor, not make you fast-forward at triple speed while praying the progress bar moves faster.
There was one line that stuck, though: Kalique Abrasax (Tuppence Middleton), Second Primary of the House of Abrasax, says, “Time is the single most precious commodity in the universe.” I couldn’t agree more because time is the one thing you never get back, and I seriously considered holding a funeral for the 127 minutes I spent watching Jupiter Ascending.
As of now, Jupiter Ascending isn’t streaming anywhere, but you can rent or buy it through YouTube, Prime Video, Fandango at Home, or Apple TV+. Just know that no one’s going to fault you if you skip it entirely.
